Well, not anymore. Now I'm 100% sure. But that exact sentence was the first time I said it out loud (okay, via text message). And as soon as I said it, I knew I was sure.
I was always a good student through grade school. I was involved in everything, got good grades (even managed a 4.0 every quarter my senior year of high school!), I took tests for fun, nailed the ACT and squeezed by on the SAT. There was never a doubt that I would go to college- it was just the next thing on the list. A natural progression of events. I found a career path that I was really interested in, and it was supposed to be smooth sailing through four years of college, a six month internship, getting my certification, and then immediately landing a job. Easy, right? For someone who loves learning, always thrived on studying, and knew exactly what she wanted to do for the rest of her life when she was only 18 years old? Easy.
Or, rather, not so easy after all.
It was great for a while. I found a group of friends, I loved my classes, I was shocked that college was easier than Decathlon. I just read through my journal from freshman year. It's full of recounted dining hall conversations, printouts of AIM chats, excitement about classes and projects, and wondering if my crush liked me. Seriously- THAT'S what I was worried about. Anyone who knows me now is probably currently gasping for breath from laughing so hard at that phrase.
I could go on for a while about specific things that happened to change my mindset over the next few years- believe me, I just deleted several paragraphs to that end. The writing of them was very therapeutic for me, but you don't need to read that. It's too depressing.
What you do need to know is this: Eventually, I discovered that I haven't the foggiest idea what I want to do with my life. I switched my major the first day of my fifth year of college, and the entire year went downhill, academically- and future planning...ly?... speaking. The only things I enjoyed at all were playing my horn, marching band, and african ensemble. I was thinking in the very back of my mind that school wasn't really the place for me anymore, but never thought I could actually leave. Two things happened to make that mental shift.
1. The Cuba trip was cancelled. I was supposed to study abroad this coming winter break with some of my favourite professors, but the logistics didn't end up working out. I really lost my biggest motivation for going back after that.
2. I wasn't able to register for a class I needed to take over the summer at a community college at home. This would have added yet ANOTHER semester on to the now six years I already had going into my undergrad.
After all this happened, I knew I wanted to leave school. I just didn't yet believe that I COULD. I started looking for alternative careers that didn't need degrees, various jobs, places to move, and eventually stumbled across the website Workaway. The minute I registered for this site, I sent the text message that makes up the title of this post to my best friend. I just needed someone's reaction to give me some validation. But the second I said it (and the world miraculously continued turning), I realized that this wasn't an entirely inconceivable idea. Over the last two or so weeks I've spent way too much time on the phone worrying, being insecure, and once or twice just crying (sincere apologies - you know who you are - especially for the crying part.) I've chewed my fingers to mincemeat due to nerves. But the world still hasn't ended, and I still haven't looked back. Not once.
So what am I doing now? I have no idea. I have plans A, B, C, and D. I'm really, really hoping for plan A. Hopefully I'll have news soon!
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